Schizoaffective Disorder: How Does It Feel?

 

Schizoaffective Disorder is haunting, frustrating, and scary. There are parts you love and don't want to lose and parts that you cannot run from no matter how far and fast you go.

 

Get medical alert bracelets in case any of your family members or you are suffering from any mental illness. It has proven to be a life-saving device.

 

Mind reading: You will be o sure that you can read other people’s thoughts. They are almost always bad. You will feel like you want to run from almost every human interaction due to fear and anxiety. Sometimes you will talk to yourself out of believing this, but it never lasts. Eventually, you talk yourself right back into it. It makes most relationships nearly impossible.

 

Mania: It's a fantastic high until you are not a God any more than your just someone without home or clothing who is just absurd. The entire time you're rebuilding your life you know this has a good chance of happening again. The resulting existential depression is fierce. The anxiety is valid and impossible to talk yourself out of.

 

It having a good spell, getting a degree in communications only to realize you can't actually do this 70% of the time because you can't organize your thoughts. Not spoken or written. 1000’s more in debt to no use. Which is hard to suffer since you keep giving all your material away.

 

Depression: Feeling suicidal. Hearing people wish you were dead.

 

Embarrassment & Hallunisation: Most of your audible hallucinations tend to be largely benign mostly. The other morning you wake up and hear your family having breakfast and talking animatedly. And sometimes you wake up and run and find out no one is home.

 

Paranoia: You may experience restless leg syndrome in response to Seroquel. It will keep you up at night spurring mania etc. The doctors will act like be quiet, try to control yourself, and take your medication. (You may have delusions regarding your body and health). You may hear voices in your head and want to run from delusions. You may feel like dying because it will get so frustrating.

 

Imaginary friends: They take turns commenting on basically everything. Giving their opinions. Giving commands. You may end up giving them names in the hope you can rationalize with them and manage them like they are real people. Integrate them somehow. Although, you might also feel lonely without them since you struggle so much to organize your thoughts that it's difficult to have normal friendships.

 

Every so often you are completely normal and know what it is you've lost or left. It's starting over too many times to count. It's a lesson in humility, acceptance, and perseverance. One you didn't ask for.

 

It's laughing at things that make you sad or afraid and crying at things you find happy or beautiful. You become gentle, open-minded, and creative.